I've been thinking about all the friends I've made over these past 8 years since I graduated from high school. And how many I never see anymore. And this is mostly my fault, I know. Now I'm a more concerned than ever. For these past four years I've been surrounded by people who are going in the same direction as me and it has made life easier. It's allowed for me to basically pretend I'm still not an adult. Even while my other friends are living these married with children adult lives I have been allowed to continue living like a kid. And thankfully, this is because of my friends here at school. Now I know my real life is coming faster than a speeding train. After a week spent traveling the southeast for residency interviews my mother was asking me about where all my friends are going next year. This was when I really realized how quickly everyone I've come to trust and be close to will be dispersing. And I'll possibly be leaving too.
So how does this relate to Valentine's Day? Nothing really, but it got a thought process started about my life and it just happened to happen on VDay. Essentially, I'm always alone of Valentine's Day. I'm always so jealous of the fact that other people have someone on that day. I've always prided myself to be adaptable to other personalities and I've always felt like relationships should be easy for me because I adapt. But they never have been. I think being adaptable has been my code word for doormat. Which is such crap since I'm not a doormat on a lot of other things. I don't even like the term doormat. I consciously let other people make decisions in relationships; they don't walk over me. But for the first time I think things maybe make sense. Everyone knows I fall in love with everything. I think this makes me me, but it makes decision making hard. So I think life is helping me learn to make decisions. I think Ringo showed up on my doorstep to teach me to love something that lets me make all the decisions. I think I'm living in Europe for 7 weeks so I can have the chance to love a city. A city where I don't have to focus on daily life interrupting my love. I can just love unconditionally. I think I've been given the chance to interview for all the positions I applied for so I can learn to love a job and be happy to go to work in the morning or night or weekend. My whole life I've had big, unrealistic dreams. But lately many of them don't seem as unrealistic as they once were. I know what I'm being told. If my perfect Valentine's person had already been presented to me I would have given up chances in order to be adaptable. I think I'm being given the unique opportunity to live my life with no restraints. To fall in and out of love with anyone and everything I want to. One day someone is going to come along and I'm going to know how to live life. And I'll be ready, because at that point I will have done everything I have wanted to do alone and I'll be ready to do things as a pair. I'll be able to stand on my own two feet and know the difference between real love and my infatuation with love. In the next few years I will have accomplished things I never thought I would do. I'm not discrediting those who are already married or anything like that at all and I never would. Everyone has to make the decisions that are right for them. But if my life had gone a different way and I had given into jerks I would never know all the things I could do with my life because that's how my personality works.
So I'm just gonna let people keep asking me if I'm single or seem confused as to why I'm still not the pharmacist at the local grocery store. Meanwhile I'll be out falling in love with everything I come across and learning to be me as an adult. And one day Valentine's Day might not suck, but if it does I can always just go back to London and fall in love all over again.
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