Hold On To Sixteen As Long As You Can

So every three days Johnathan makes me feel totally insufferable by telling me that I'm not going to get a book deal if I don't write a damn blog. So to get him off my back I thought I'd come back to it. Also, I cried for the entire last 30 minutes of Glee and this is a pretty good indication that I have some intense emotions going on that we all know can only be handled when I write meaningless rambles. I don't have a single topic. So stream of consciousness will start now. If at any point this sounds like I've gotten distracted I'm watching these idiots on House Hunters move to Singapore and then seem confused that their teenage daughter is acting like a "diva." Is this a dumbass convention? You moved her from the UNITED STATES to SINGAPORE. I shouldn't even have to be explaining this.

I'd say the biggest thing that has happened to me since my last post was that I turned 25. But that moved me to a new age bracket when I take online surveys and I don't want to talk about it ever again. So the next biggest thing was I got a Twitter. So if you have a Twitter and you don't currently follow me I'm going to need you to do that. It's simple. @Carm_illionaire Word of warning. I haven't figured out how to be clever with so few characters at my disposal. Apologies in advance. I also got a Foursqaure. You should probably hit me up on that so I can beat you and confirm my superiority. Oh and I got bangs.

I have a lot of simple things to bitch about, but my growing war with the post office and everyone that answers the phone at Medicare is of no interest to anyone else and causes my blood pressure to rise at such a velocity that I can actually feel my heart spazing out. And I'm not sure velocity is the correct word you use here, but I only passed physics because my professor just made up everyone's grade. Also, please don't get me started on how physics is not a science. It's an APPLIED MATH. The fact that is been masquerading as a science just infuriates me. In terms of minute things that are currently pissing me off? My candycane colored lights in my kitchen keep falling down regardless of where I place the hook AND I can not for the life of my figure out with button to press on my Keurig first. The brew light is always flashing so I press it and then it's like the whole world falls apart. So obviously I can't use a simple machine that has TWO buttons. Literally, two. I'm embarrassing.

This next paragraph is probably going to offend Drew Brees and Ellen DeGeneres, neither of who I want to upset. But I just have some major issues with New Orleans. I am also fully aware that I was only exposed to the touristy areas and therefore my thoughts on the matter are mostly baseless, but never the less. Also, when I have a cared if people thought my thoughts were baseless? You are correct if you said, never. It's dirty and lawless. These are my biggest problems with the place. I also despise that fact that tourists don't understand that Mardi Gras is an actual thing and not just a year round party. Also, please stop wearing the beads. You can buy them at the local CVS. So nothing about you is screaming you fit in in N'awlins. Go order a Po Boy so you can keep yourself busy and not be an embarrassment to everyone. Also, since the police let you do whatever you want the rich, white boys on vacation seem to think it's okay to catcall girls. And not construction worker style. Like disgusting, "my body's nobody's body, but mine type thing." Apparently they feel that being in the Crescent City gives them the right to express their inner potential molester. Well I got news for you pervs. First this is Rhett Butler's city. So shut your mouth, cause he's a better man than you'll ever be and he's not even real. In addition it just brings out my right to take a golf club to your Range Rover. I can assure you I've dreamed of clubbing the headlights of a college kids Mercedes since the day I returned to Atlanta. Then you factor in all the devastation still lingering from Hurricane Katrina and the whole place just becomes a sad version of Charleston. I suggest you check out these pictures of the abandoned Six Flags (former Jazzland). It's just terrifying. Also, if you know anything about me you know I'm still up because I got to thinking and had to read the entire New Orleans wikipedia in order to get some of my questions answered.

I have more I'd like to write, but I'm also about to pass out and I need to get some pleasure reading on. As always, thanks for taking a bit of your day to read this crap I write.

Everything I know I learned at Hogwarts

Good grief Charlie Brown! I haven't updated a blog in FOREVER. Since I've been gone (can't say those words without having a Kelly Clarkson moment) I've been to Seattle, finished my third year or pharmacy school, got addicted to another season of the Bachelorette with out even trying to fight it off and so many other slightly pointless things I don't even know where to begin. Fret not, everything will be covered in a discombobulated manner, just as you've come to expect. Also, I just spelled "discombobulated" correctly on the first try. Gold star!

I'll begin with a short conversation I had with my grandmother on the phone this week after our regular Bachelorette updates. We were discussing how we tend to like celebrities better when they give money to children's charities. And this got her discussing The Celebrity Apprentice, which I can proudly say is the only show on television I don't watch. She preceded to ask me if I had heard of someone named, "Little John" who she believes is a rapper. She was surprised that his charity was a children's home in Decatur and decided she liked him even though she still has no idea why he's called "Little John" as he doesn't seem that young or what he does. And my short (AND accurate) thoughts on the Bachelorette. Ashley is a-n-n-o-y-i-n-g. JP is the hottest, but is mentally unstable for liking Ashley so much. Ben F and Constantine have personalities I can get behind. Plus Constantine is from north Georgia (Cumming to be exact). So, in case you're reading this Constantine. I'm single, still. The end.

There is really nothing to update on the end of the P3 year because I blocked most of it out. Useless. On to Seattle. Seattle is spectacular. Honestly. Just phenomenal. Do you know know what isn't phenomenal? The SeaTac airport. While I understand SeaTac stands for Seattle-Tacoma as far as I'm concerned in stands for SuckTACular. First it completely shuts down at midnight, which is perfect when your flight gets in about 30 minutes before that and then you walk all the way to metro stop just to learn the metro doesn't run after midnight and then NO one wants to listen to your story about the Green River Killer who murdered prostitutes around the airport. So stressful. My next major issues stems from idiots at security. It's 2011. If you haven't learned what can and can't be taken on a plane by now then you need to be institutionalized. Jack ass in front of us seemed to think that while a Swiss Army knife is grounds to put you on the no fly list he could carry an ENTIRE power drill set onto the plane. Are. you. kidding. me? And that's rhetorical cause we weren't being joked with. He should be added to the no fly list just for making fellow travelers irritated. Other highlights of Seattle include a monorail ride, karaoke and Mark, the world's most amazing bartender. If you have questions about these highlights I will happily discuss in detail. And if you're feeling a little pull on your heart strings for Seattle, please go watch 10 Things I Hate About You. I has one of my favorite scenes from any movie. Heath Ledger is just awesome. And of course I can't even mention him without throwing in a link of the role he was pretty much born to play. Side note. Did you know he improvised tons of scenes in this movie? In fact the first time he acted with Michael Caine in a scene they actually had to stop because he made Caine so flustered he forgot his lines, which was something he says he's never done. Oh and I got legit Rick Rolled trying to find that video. Who does that?

I need to take a moment to discuss Harry Potter since I devoted the title of this post to him. First I should say if you talk smack about HP you can walk. Those 7 books defined my adolescence. So back. off. I've been rereading in preparation for the latest installment on July 15th. Today I completed book 6 and I've basically realized that no matter how much life sucks I've got three great friends named Harry, Ron and Hermione. Two serious role models in Remus Lupin and Sirius Black and a hero in Albus Dumbledore. And maybe I was too young when I first started reading to see the message I was being taught. But this book is about fighting prejudice and ignorance with everything you've got, even when no one else will listen. How it doesn't matter if you were born to riches or rags or from an "important" family. You make your life purpose. And I just don't see how you couldn't applaud that. If there has to be a book that so many children all over the world have I read I'm glad to know it's this one. And now that I've said that it's time for me to bitch about Pottermore. This is a new, and in my opinion, lame website. It's supposed to give us some new enlightened way to experience the books. Newsflash JK Rowling. Just write a new book and make the people who made you worth more than the Queen of England happy. I mean COME ON. I can't even talk about this anymore. It makes me far too emotional.

And now for something only slightly less depressing then the impending doom of Harry Potter being over with (I'm not counting you Pottermore!). I turn 25 on Sunday. A quarter century! So I'm making a short like of things I plan to do over the next quarter century (I'll be 50 then!)

-Ignore people who try to tell me something I like/want to do is "simple" or "silly." I know what makes me happy.

-Find the boy who's here to make those same simple or silly things even better.

-Travel any and everywhere.

That's a short list. I might add to it, but let's not get to ambitious. I've only got 25 years. I felt like I should add, "stop romanticizing everything," but I'm coming to think this is part of what makes me slightly insane and overly passionate and if I didn't fall madly in love with everything so easily then I wouldn't be fun or me. So I'm going to keep letting that live on, even if it does make people worry about my mental standing.

Oh and I just realized there is a talk show called 1 girl 5 gays. And I'm NOT the girl. What. the. hell? The girl on there looks like a Real World cast off. That job should have been mine. And with that I'm going to sleep to dream of alternate realities. And I didn't make that phrase up. A high five is in order if you know who did.

The Adjustment Bureau: Real Life Edition

Lauren and I went to see The Adjustment Bureau today, which is a pretty good movie even though it was supposed to come out like 15 times before they actually released it on Friday. And even though they make it out like a suspense thriller it's really more about being in love and people meddling in your business. So as Lauren and I were driving home from the theatre we started talking about meddlers and it was like LIGHTBULB. Time to blog.

So I pose a question. Why do people who are married or in long term relationships feel the need to ask you if you're in one, why you aren't in one or if there is anyone you are interested in? It's really stressful. I mean I'm not in a relationship so I have to say, "no." The problem is if you say that then more questions are asked of you that you can't possibly answer without coming across looking like A) a bitch B) pathetic C) desperate D) apathetic or E) all of the above. I don't know if it something biologic that just turns on once you find your person, this need to see if others have found a person, but it always feels like you're getting the third degree only to be judged later as to why you haven't managed to find someone. And then if people see a single person spending more than five minutes with someone else they start asking things like, "what's going on?" I don't even know how I answer that question. If you can't tell what's going on then the two people in question probably don't know either. And why are we even having this conversation? Didn't Mark Zuckerberg fix this all for us? It's called the Facebook relationship status. Check it out some time. If your answer isn't there then you can move on with your life. Nothing's official for you to concern yourself with. Speaking for myself if I find myself in a relationship I will send out a damn press release to confirm the relationship status if need be. I won't leave you high and dry and resorting to asking me awkward, leading questions.

I know it's been a long time since I've been in a functional relationship. Wait. Have I ever been in a functional relationship? Maybe I should be writing a blog about that. Anyways, the point is I don't remember becoming more nosey about other people's love lives when I had one of my own. However you look at it there are very few questions that can ruin your day more quickly then someone asking why you aren't in a relationship. Don't you think if I knew I would have fixed it? My life goal is not to be a hermit. Though the questions makes me think you are worried I am headed in that direction. I get frustrated thinking about it. So really, the moral of this story is to back off single people. We need some compassion (but just not from your brother, the guy you met last week, your bartender or anyone else you've been trying to use to set us up and make us feel better). Okay? We thank you.

"I've really mastered how to scroll" and Other Things That Have Tried My Patience

So people have been harassing me about returning to the blog. It got to the point where I was feeling judged, ridiculed and forming a complex. So I'm back! And before I get started I think I need to make a shout out for the Green and Yellow for two reasons. First because my theory of cheering for the team with the cute quarterback worked and secondly for the Cheeseheads in Wisconsin who I don't know, but they read my blog and it makes me happy. And super bowl commercials? Kind of not awesome, except of course for this one.

Where to begin, where to begin? Oh, I know. Valentine's Day. You suck! If Cupid was one of my patients and he was on dialysis and I had to dose his vanco I would let him die. I wouldn't even try to figure out the equations. I would steal his little arrows and break them over my knee. I should have known this was how I was going to feel when the first Valentine's Day themed commercial I saw this year was for KY Jelly. Is this serious? I despise those commercials. I do not want to imagine what anyone is doing with KY and I sure as hell don't need a 5 second clip of fireworks to explain to me how they are feeling. G-r-o-s-s. Why does KY even advertise? Never mind, I can't even think about this anymore. Waste of my energy.

Next topic. My father. The Droid. One week ago my father had a simple flip phone. He did not know my phone was called an iPhone. We were all living in a state of ignorant bliss. But then something terrible happened. He got the crazy idea that having internet on his phone could be useful. So he just went and bought a Droid. Just up and bought it. And he preceded to call me on it. He wanted to make sure I knew he had, "really mastered how to scroll." Congrats Dad, you've passed kindergarden. Wait, who I am I kidding? You passed being two. I want to say welcome to 2011, but scroll. Really? Welcome to 1997. While fine tuning his scrolling skills he also mastered the fine art of making phone calls when you actually think you are texting. I wonder if there is an app for that? And when he finally broke down and asked for help he ended up mumbling about how they just assume this stuff is "intuitive." As Phil Dunphy would sing, "the snowflake button makes it cold, cold, cold..." And a caveat to that, if you aren't watching Modern Family then you SERIOUSLY need to reconsider some of your life decisions.

Last month I got to basically live the dream and go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando. I won't bore you with the specifics, but essentially. The. Bomb. But let me tell you what was not the bomb. The way people dress. When I was young my mother taught me a basic concept. You can't wear a dress and play on the monkey bars. This applies to theme parks. Just pretend the roller coaster is a big set of monkey bars. Embrace it. And don't let your children stray. I can not count the amount of times I saw a small child running around with no supervising adult close by. This is not your backyard. There are HUNDREDS of people lurking around. It may be the "Happiest Place on Earth," but guess what kind of sketchy people that can attract? People who like to steal children, that's who. Ugh. Then I feel responsible for making sure I have my eyes peeled for creepers and then my day becomes stressful. So basically if you have a kid, just get it together and watch them when you are at a crowded theme park, okay?

Okay. Those were my recent frustrations. I have tried to lighten them by adding links to YouTube videos all over the place. It's tacky, but just watch them. It was suggested that I talk about dating in this blog. That would first mean I have to understand dating. I don't. But I'll put some thought into it. I'm sure I will be just frustrated enough on February 14th to muster up the energy to dedicate a blog to all the annoying things about dating. Until then meet my Valentine and ignore his current cocaine possession charges.

As always, thanks for reading the rambles. :)